Painting

 Took everything out of my calendar (after a campus tour) and painted

Not my finest painting day...no idea why, but I painted pretty much with neat oil today.. maybe I needed to something it out of my system... or I just decided to do everything wring today?? No idea why I did this.

I put a little charcoal either side of the face but then covered the paint and used fixative spray on the charcoal...but it hit the paint anyway and took some of it off... so my aim today was to rebuild some of what I lost, and for some reason, I made fresh paint mixes and worked impasto... I wish I'd just left this when I felt it worked but wasn't finished. 

I always get to a "just walk away now!!" point.. I kind of like it but it feels like there are so many ways of working in this and I've lost some of the tones in the face that worked and some of the expression.

I really need to just relax and paint loosley instead of insisting on keeping going until I wreck it.

I need to remember: 

Simplicity is complexity is art 

Tate podcast - slow looking 

 

                                                                                                                                   Before today

A couple of mid versions that were just really heavy.. I removed some paint to expose the orange again, I like the warmth coming through the skin. I wasn't going to add the pink hair but when I added darker tones to sit the face into the drawing, I extended into the underside of the hat - I like this, but it led to the hair - I'll walk away, let it dry and go back and add just a couple of right tones and strokes in the right places... I think I can fix it.. 

 

                        nope to these... too thick and too heavy.. why did I go impasto?

I think I was just trying to get a few paintings finished today and this is where I landed...

Found that yellow over green gold gives you a fluro colour..this is also impasto and needs to dry before I can add some detail... not sure where its going or why... but I'm liking the colours in these recent paintings.

I have considered splitting all of my oils into transparent and solid pigments and seeing how they work.. I'm a bit fixated on how it all works .. but I think thats a healthy relationship for a artist to have with their paint...right?

again.. finishing this but not sure where its going and actually really bored of this one.

 

Mess about painting,.. I find these helpful .. my plan tomorrow is to do some quick loose paintings.

Sent the visiting artists posters to Anna.

Had a ponder on my studio space.Not sure if I want to go bigger but the space doesn;t lend itself to it.. will start with loose paintings and just see where they go.

Research wise... I'm thinking more about class. Am reflecting on if the reason I felt so awkward about The Other Mother Project is because I felt like an imposter.. I'm not an imposter, I'm just working class..(Just about ..I'm from challenging set of circs, teenage mum, lived in poverty for a bit kind of working class... ) but I feel unrepresented. When I present a "version of my truth " (hate that I used that phrase) I feel I'm talking about something real but difficult. Something that some people find difficult to relate to, which makes me feel uneasy, as though I should be painting something that fits some kind of expectation.. girl power has made us all better and we're all woke independent women now right? Actually, there's still a massive cultural difference in experience.  

ponder...

There are no photos of me as a 15 year old pregnant school girl... ponder ponder..

Some reading...

I think that’s what happens when you love too much, isn’t it? It’s one of those things of love and obsession.  I think I make in quite a cathartic fashion….”

P112 art talks Lindsey Medick .. made me consider 

Me 

My art finds a space between love and hurt, between trust and questionable complicity. The tension could read as somber but it reflects where I am .. in this questionable space looking for objectivity to understand if it’s me or if it’s social culture and behavioural 

Collisions that created a perfect storm of shit experiences. How far can you preserve faith in human nature ? At what point do you question something? Should you separate emotion from evaluation of relationships for fear of being over sensitive, paranoid, showing your arse to reflect experiences - that it may appear that they still damage you? 

Why can’t you just move on? Smile and have some fun. 

I can’t not draw personal experience into my practice. I have absolutely no ambition to discus, experiences but I know that people will relate to them.

It’s the same quiet acknowledgement that makes you feel uneasy when you witness a toxic exchange but generally people are silent and won’t interfere. 

Love v obsession 

Care v control  ( holding neck to steer to cross the road ) 

Trust v complicity 

Tipping points 

Complacency v action 

Confidence v self doubt